6. Chicken in the Library
Chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”
The librarian hands over a a couple of slim children’s paperbacks, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.
Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.
The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”
This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.
On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book!”
The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: “Read it, read it, read it…”
7. Are Bugs Good to Eat?
A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”
“That’s disgusting — don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
8. The Best Joke You Can Tell Your Kids
9-On the School Bus
It’s the first day of school.
The school bus stops and a little blonde girl gets on. The bus driver says, “Oh, what a darling little girl! Where did you get those blonde curls?”
The little girl replies, “From my mom!”
At the next stop a little redhead gets on. The bus driver says, “Oh, you lovely thing! Where ever did you get those gorgeous strawberry curls?”
“I look just like my dad!” says the second girl.
At the next stop, a girl with green hair gets on. The bus driver is a little shocked, but she pulls herself together and says “My, what unusual green hair! Where did you get it from?”
All in one motion, the girl puts the heel of her hand at her chin, and pushes upward as she produces an enormous, juicy “Sneeee-r-r-r-rk!” sound from her nose. Continuing with her whole hand flat on her forehead, she pushes upward and backwards, running her fingers through her hair.
Finally, she drops her hand and says, innocently, “No idea!”
10. Why Is Six Afraid of Seven?
11. Camping with Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
11. The Whale Joke
Hard to explain, and with many variations. Here are two.
12. Three Bananas and an Orange
”Orange you glad I didn’t say banana”
13.Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
14. Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
15. The Lady on the Train
My favorite as a kid, and my kids’ favorite:
Lady sits down on a train. Man sitting next to her turns to her and says, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it’s going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby’s head. That baby is just ugly.”
The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. “Conductor, this man has insulted me.”
“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the conductor replies. “What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We’ll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.”
A classic dating at least to the 1950s, the extended Flip Wilson version above is the earliest on the internet. You can of course update it to an airplane, to Facebook, or to some other setting. It’s very important that you not call it the “ugly baby” joke and you not mention the baby/monkey in the first sentence or in the woman’s complaint to the conductor.
16. Interrupting Cow